Fragments of Time

Having the courage to love, was something to me. Having courage to leave, was even bigger.

I opened one page from a random book I read this morning. I found a letter inside. I did not know when the letter was written.

"Darling,

I was no good at remembering. I forgot things quickly. That was included how you felt about me.

Sometimes, I also didn't remember how and why I stood still eventhough I was blue and lonely. I was remember that I told you: "You have to make me remember why I love you, because I tend to forget things or important people in my life." You said yes. You said that you would not getting tired of me, of being my alarm on how much I love you.

But I did not trust you. I never put trust to anyone.

That was why I wrote. I wrote to remember.

This early morning, I reread again my journal. How those feelings was distorted my head and heart when I wrote that book to you. I was so happy beyond anything. I wrote it passionately. I never felt so full of myself and I wanted you to know it all. I remember as well how broke my ego was, how torn my heart was when I figured it all of your stories. That was the reason why I wrote to you again those letters. I was at the lowest point of myself. I remember how the pain scratched between my lungs and throat. I wrote it all. I had nothing left. I gave it all, story by story, hoping that you got it.

Having courage to love, was something to me. Having courage to leave, was even bigger.

Leaving was never my intention. I already told you that I was shredded and I become that zero again when I decided to leave. There was you. Here was me. I said good bye. You said wait. I said I could not. You said do not. I love you, but that was not about that.

I looked at the dark sky. There was no stars. Where should I follow you if I could not see any star in the sky? Then I heard a whisper, "Stars never disappeared, they were there whether we could see them or not. They were there. Feel them. If you could not see them, feel them." Why did I hear that only on my head, instead of you? Did I ask too much?

I was trying so hard you know. I was trying so fucking hard to remind myself, because most of the time, you did not remind me of things I forgot the most, not the love - it was never about the love. It was about life and everything between life. I was trying to put back the faith, to remind myself on how and why, and to make sure that I was in my track to get my dreams. All at once and I was tired. I knew you were tired too, and we always threw words that we did not mean to each other. We were lost. We got hurt.

I was the one who thought it did not work. I was the one who got tired first. I was the one who decided to stop whatever going between us. 

I would always be the one who leave. But you always said that you would walking after me. Maybe that was the way you remind me. I tried again, better, to feel the stars. Maybe, I had not trying that hard. Maybe I forgot to ask a promise that you gave, a promise to always give me space I wanted - like every space counted between these alphabets.

Maybe.

I did not know.

Did you know?

With love,
yours."


This letter was reminding me of agony created if two passionate people failed to see the big picture. They failed at this side, but they nailed the other side. In life, you could not be 100% lose at something anyway. And this letter gave me that kind of feeling.