Drinking Water Without Feeling Thirsty

Cimetière du Montparnasse, Paris, France, 2010

“When she does not find love, she may find poetry. Because she does not act, she observes, she feels, she records; a color, a smile awakens profound echoes within her; her destiny is outside her, scattered in cities already built, on the faces of men already marked by life, she makes contact, she relishes with passion and yet in a manner more detached, more free, than that of a young man. Being poorly integrated in the universe of humanity and hardly able to adapt herself therein, she, like the child, is able to see it objectively; instead of being interested solely in her grasp on things, she looks for their significance; she catches their special outlines, their unexpected metamorphoses. She rarely feels a bold creativeness, and usually she lacks the technique of self-expression; but in her conversation, her letters, her literary essays, her sketches, she manifests an original sensitivity. The young girl throws herself into things with ardor, because she is not yet deprived of her transcendence; and the fact that she accomplishes nothing, that she is nothing, will make her impulses only the more passionate. Empty and unlimited, she seeks from within her nothingness to attain All.”

― Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex

I was raised by values which I read from books. In my journey, precisely at my twenty years of living, I found these two, and my life has suddenly changed. I remember how I was walking alone to go to Montparnasse Cemetery, only to find where they were buried in. I was there, looking at it, and remembering little things I know about their philosophy. Once I listened about existensialism, I fell in love instantly. I know I would learn everything about it. There I was, doing my undergraduate thesis about Sartre's book, of which not translated to Bahasa (the english version's even hard to find), I wonder how I could make it at the first place, and now I am, rereading my undergraduate's thesis and feeling all at once happened in my life was so relevant with the book. Existensialism brings much much despair in my life, putting much responsibility, making me overthinking - knowing that I'm engaged to every human being. Humanism is a melancholy word, rather than loving, I must say. The experience I had when I read Huis Clos was very intimate, so it is with L'Age de Raison, La Nausée, L'Être et le Néant, and L'Existensialisme est une Humanisme. I was stroked by the idea of the alienation of self on Self, by questioning who we are? What should we do? What values do we attain in ourselves? There's saying in Sartre's book that I love so much, aside from his famous quotes: L'Enfer, C'est Les Autres, I go with quotes from book I choose to be my corpus, "Exister, c'est ça: se boire sans soif" (That it is with existing, it's like drinking without feeling thirsty." It sums up what does it feel like to be human, what does feel like to be engaged with freedom, freedom that curse you, condamns you.

It does not stop there, feminism who starts with de Beauvoir thinking, got me even deeper than Sartre's thought did. I am what I am because of de Beuvoir saying: "On ne naît pas femme, on le devient" It made me realize that no one was born as a woman, we are in the process of becoming a woman. I am in that process, you are, everyone are, in that process. It's not even about a woman, I think, it could applied to every marginalized people, or indigeneous people, or people whose rights not guaranteed by their surroundings. You know that you will always have a book that shapes your whole life. Mine is The Second Sex. I couldn't say anything no more.

Today, I was bumped to Sartre's book about Sex and Revolution, and I can't hold myself not to pour these words, as I feel like I am in love like the first time, again, with this love birds. The ultimate goal of relationship (yes, including how they manage to do free-me-i-am-not-yours-kind-of-relationship). Then, I feel sudden sadness flowing in my veins when I reread again all quotes from de Beauvoir, and their love letters. It took me back to six years ago, when I was standing there, be amazed, and convincing myself that I'd be back there again, someday, somehow.

With love,

Jessy Ismoyo