It's Words, After All, that Always Save Me

Silence is indeed something you can hear. Photo credit: Jessy Ismoyo.

In the time like this, my faith in humanity is sorely tested. Kurt Lewin once said, 'You can not understand a system until you try to change it.' Now I understand. I understand one thing that applied likewise in every circumstances I have been put in: human behaviour is a very odd thing. Grown-ups are very strange.

No matter how old you are, people are the same. In your 20s, 30s, 40s, and so on, you will find people who should set an example of good, but do clearly the opposite. The older do sexual abuse, corruption, they do fake basic drama for basic image they need to have.

Basically, they do everything that they are told you not to do but telling people that they sacrifice everything to make a world a little better, to make other people learn a good thing.

The older people forget that they best way to learn is by making themselves a good example, instead of telling to do this or that or whatever.

You would find people like this everywhere, schools, university, your workplace, or even in the street. What happened next? You lost respect and you start talking bad things over their back. And it is suffocating, my darling. Your soul will die slowly but sure.

The older I grow, the more quotations written I know is true. Like 80% relevant. Let's say: we, human, are the worst. I thought Hobbes was right before about Homo Homini Lupus. But it turned out, I was wrong for believing what Hobbes said. Human are even worse than wolves. Wolves hunt and kill only for a food, but human don't. They also hunt and kill for power. They try to be powerful enough to put domination over something, and they do it for a pleasure.

Pleasure of anything that fullfilled your basic instict: desire to understand and be understood of which based on feeling accepted and appreciated. Besides, pleasure of being praised or pleasure of having a good life (it becomes questioned when all you have you gain through a very easy way).

Other possibility is pleasure of knowing the fact that there's someone out there would never let you go eventhough you do whatever shit you want to do (people you take best for granted, and sadly they are the loveliest people that you and your ugly heart could have).

Worst part is coming in this paragraph, in some case, grown-ups, they, put you to do everything. What do I mean by everything? 'Everything' is the shit that takes time, shit that they put aside, the trashy things. But remember there's a clear boundaries between shit thing and thing you consider as shit.

How to differentiate those two? Look at the assignment, if it makes you learn something new then it's just you're being shit and complaining about that. But, if they ask you to do things you did before (repeteadly) just because they cast their responsibiity, and it does no good for everyone but 'the one who gave you that shit'. I sadly have to say: darling, you're being used and you better say no.

In bahasa, I would take what YB Mangunwijaya told in Burung-Burung Rantau, 'Negeri ini sungguh-sungguh membutuhkan pemberani-pemberani yang gila asal cerdas. Bukan yang tahu ada, yang berkepribadian pribumi, yang suka harmoni, yang saleh alim, yang nurut model kuli dan babu' as an example. Once you know that you're being used to do some shit, negotiate, once, twice, third,  stand up for yourself, fight for yourself. Bring a big mirror, so they can see the reflection of themselves...do it in a very classy way. Do say no, do tell your priority whether they like it or not.

Well, you know what the saddest part of having your faith be tested? The closest person you have, is taking you for granted. By all means, the failure of not be able differentiate 'That Everything Case' brings a lot of mutation. The fiasco of not being able to put the feet on my feet is very disappointing. A crestfallen soul is covered by anger. Asking hundred times why and how? There I must hardly say, maybe this is the time to detach. Because, after all, we all know, nothing good is coming from attachment. Nothing.

Maybe, starting from this year, I need to make a wish in every birthday: let me grow old, but don't make me grow up. Let my faith in humanity remain still and please God give me bigger heart than I had before, so I can continue what I need to do before I go.

With warm heart,
Jessy Ismoyo