Love Praxis: Bersetialah Pada Kata Hati

Favourite sketch, drawn by @tuhanzilla

"Hidup dapat memberikan segala pada barang siapa tahu dan pandai menerima."

"Jangan hanya ya-ya-ya. Tuan terpelajar, bukan yes-man. Kalau tidak sependapat, katakan. Belum tentu kebenaran ada pada pihakku."

"Seorang terpelajar sudah harus berbuat adil sejak dalam pikiran apalagi dalam perbuatan."

Tiga tahun lalu, saya tenggelam dalam Bumi Manusia dengan segala nilai moralnya. Tiga tahun lalu, saya memberanikan diri membaca Pramoedya Ananta Toer setelah merasa siap 23 tahun lamanya. Tiga tahun lalu, kebetulan seorang laki-laki juga menjadikan buku itu pedoman hidupnya. Tiga tahun lalu, saya tidak menyangka semua tokoh fiksi yang saya inginkan mewujud dalam satu entitas nyata.

Tiga tahun lalu, saya jatuh, tahun ini pula, saya runtuh. Dilungsurkan oleh tiap-tiap kutipan dalam buku Bumi Manusia. Bahwasanya, untuk adil dalam pikiran dan tindakan diperlukan satu kesetiaan yang luar biasa siksanya. Terkadang, manusia memang tidak mampu. Kadang manusia mendiamkan kata hati mereka, sehingga ketidakadilan menjadi banal untuk mereka. Adalah wajar, mengkhianati dalam cacahan jiwa terkecil, membiarkan harapan menjadi selongsong peluru yang ditembakkan ke arah kerumunan yang tak perlu. Mungkin perjuangan saya kali ini adalah untuk punya welas, untuk ikhlas, untuk memahami bahwa saya perlu berada dalam hidup seseorang supaya ia paham bersetia pada dirinya sendiri, berjuang untuk setiap orang yang ia kasihi. Bukan mengejar keinginan diri dan menjadikan psikenya sentral dari eksistensi.

Di titik itulah saya tahu, ada perjuangan yang memang harus diteruskan, ada yang harus ditinggalkan. Di titik itulah, saya sadar, perjuangan bukan lagi perjuangan ketika salah satunya membelot demi kepentingan dirinya sendiri, demi kenyamanannya sendiri. Karena cinta adalah revolusi, dan revolusi tak pernah berjalan di jalan yang nyaman, dan hanya melindungi diri sendiri. Di titik itulah, saya mengerti, semua yang saya bangun memang tak mungkin kembali. Tapi, hati akan kembali membaik. Pada saat ia membaik, saya akan memulai lagi perjuangan saya kembali. Seperti layaknya saya selalu dibiasakan, sendiri. 

---

Salatiga, 14 July 2016

"Dearest you,

It has been a long time since the last time I wrote my last letter to you. I missed you a lot. I was just back from Jakarta, and now I was alone in Salatiga again. On my trip back there, I was on the bus, looking at the glass, which was wet by rainfalls, while listening to one song I repeated. The funny thing was that I did not even remember the song. But I could not keep humming it. I did not why or how I felt this sudden despair, a feeling of losing something important, the absence of myself, a part, half, or even a whole of me, I did not know. I saw through the glass, and I could see my reflection, those empty eyesight that was screaming to be heard. There, I realized how it feels to miss people who were worth your lifetime.

Do you remember when I said I hated what you said or asked (I did not catch the difference) whether I was sure about you? Let me tell you the truth, I was not sure about you. I was never sure about anything...even myself. I was unsure I deserved all these things I had in my hand right there and now. You had been questioning my faith in you, I guess. Because you saw that version of me whose mind is always filled with negative thoughts. When you asked the question, I felt deep sorrow, but I was unable to be sad in such a case. I was that mad type, those who ended up being mad. I was mad because I hated myself because of my attitude that put you in such perspective. My mind could not stop searching for what was wrong with me and how to keep that up, and how to change that?

...And it got worse and worse, day by day. I became more and more demanding, I fed up with you easily, and I felt like you were losing me somewhat in the middle. I did not know where or when it went wrong. All I knew was if I stayed like this, we probably could get worse (in terms of destroying myself and this relationship).

I was trying to think maybe it was what I should deal with in a long-distance relationship. All these feelings that I tried to bury. I would say I now know what it feels like to finally be cursed in love. I never thought it would be this hard, and I was trying to pull myself up to make sure that everything would be just fine. Everything would be fine, right, darling? Or no? Please tell me it is all going to be alright because I need to hear it from you the most...because I knew you would never say that anymore: "We're gonna be fine." Maybe it was because you knew...we were not.

You only need to say that to get me back on my track, on my faith, on everything, to remind me that everything would be fine, to get us back on the journey I chose to be lived in, to the journey of which I had sacrificed myself so goddamn much.

Please tell me if you were going to be that person or not? Tell me if not, whatever it would be, just please tell the truth your heart told you to.

Days and nights recently were challenging for you, I knew. Sorry for being like this. But it was hell for me too. I did not realize that having dreams to work here and you afar would be this hard, this gripping feeling. I was trying not to listen to my friends saying, 'long distance is a lie. You could not and would not work something out of it, but I kept it for myself. Having you far away was more complicated than I thought, and I was incapable of finding the meaning myself. Why would you not help me by telling me what could I do for you? Because I was consuming myself over here.

I knew that I was hard to love. I told you the first time, didn't I? I already told you that it would never be that kind of 'good hard of lover', and all I asked...was a word to tell me that I need to change, to make me a better person. Why couldn't you do that?

In this letter, I asked you please make the distance closer. Tell me how to make it closer?"

---

Malam itu, sesak merebak, layaknya jiwa merentang dalam satu helaan saja. Saya menemukan dua lembar surat yang seharusnya saya kirim setahun lalu agar ia tahu betapa pernah berharganya yang sejenak kami punya, dan betapa berat kami pernah berusaha memperjuangkan yang ada. Walaupun, perjuangan itu hanya bertahan dalam hitungan makna.

Sejenak terpikir untuk memusnahkannya agar rasa enggan tak lagi berkelindan, namun surat ini terlalu jujur untuk musnah. Lebih baik ia dijadikan hibah, dijadikan hadiah, agar ia menemukan pembacanya. Surat ini jujur, dan kejujuran adalah sebuah keindahan di antara kepalsuan yang coba kita tampakkan. Untuk itu, saya membaginya pada kalian semua.

Saya tak ingin lagi menuliskan surat yang tak sampai. Saya ingin surat itu sampai pada jiwa-jiwa lainnya, yang berusaha bertahan pada keyakinan mereka. Untuk itu, ia ada, saya ada, anda ada. Untuk satu sama lain. Mengada dari keseharian yang kadang kita anggap biasa saja.

Saya ingin rangkaian kata ini dibaca sebagai satu entitas seutuhnya, lepas dari konteks yang ia punyai. Karena saya hanya mampu menuangkannya dalam kata-kata, dalam sebuah cerita, sekadar untuk mengurangi duka.