Love, By All Means, in Philippines
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| "Funny how the bonding starts with stranger exactly when your eyes both met, and smiled." (Manila, 2017, taken by Jessy Ismoyo) |
Some people would fall in love with big city: Paris, New York, Rome, San Fransisco, Sydney, Amstedam, Berlin, or St. Petersburg. Me? I fell in love with Paris first, then Ubud, then Salatiga, now Davao City got my heart. Not because it was beautiful, it was because never I saw lovely people gathered together for a very big cause in the middle of neverending conflict. They gathered around for the world peace.
To be honest, I wanted to keep all story that happened in Davao City alone, only to me. Because it was filled with love, only love, it was too sublime, it could lead too heavy usage and caused memory leak to me. But, somehow, after a week, I changed my mind. I wanted to share it all, because what I had back there was purely God's blessings. All love within was really something. So, I give you, all readers, pieces by pieces, one by one, all fragments that I remembered with details in those three weeks.
This time, I would start with the last class I had, we were 15 in that class, and we should visit local communities in Mindanao: PAMAAS, MILF/MNLF, and Tri-People, in North Cotabato, which was not far away from Marawi City. So when the incident happened in Marawi City, President Duterte declared Martial Law at midnight, our planning was cancelled.
To those who did not know what happened in Marawi City, let me cite this news from GMA Network here: "Heavy fireflights, explosions and airstrikes continue as troops clear Marawi City of Maute group members for the sixth day on Sunday. In a post shared by Jun Veneracion on Instagram, he said "sporadic gunbattle continues as the Maute group make their "final stand," according to the military. Meanwhile, hundreds of Marawi residents have been affected by the military operations. At least, 19 civilians have been killed by the Maute group, according to reports by the military. The military had also reported that 61 members of the Maute group and 15 on the government side have been killed in continuous gunfights."
I, we, the group, were very disappointed for we were forced to go back to Davao City the very next day. It was so tense. It was not that easy as I told you. We had to wait the confirmation from the committee in Davao City and I did not bring my passport along with my two friends. You could imagine how stresful I was. They said there would be few checkpoints, so I was kind of dead that time. No, joking. I was saved by collegue of mine who willingly sent me the copy through email. Haha. Well, still, I could feel my heart beating so fast (No, it was not because of love, not that time, I was scared that time) I was googling what happened in Marawi City and the result only brought me Goosebumps and raised my adrenaline level at the same time. It was really such an experience.
Our journey to Davao City was secure although I could see armed forces everywhere. Yet, I remained calm. It was not my first time to be around conflict areas. It could be said that I was growing in the midst of conflict areas.
In 1998, The May Riots in Jakarta, I was there. My mom was 8 months pregnant, so she stayed at home with me and my sister. I had not mentioned that my father was from military, so he was there in the area. I remember my mom was worried, she almost cried because my father was not there. All neighbours were gone because they were scared that civilian would attack military housing, you know, the probability was there... though you know...
I did not understand anything back there. I was just a 8 years old girl that jumping, playing, and reading a book in my room, being cranky with my mom because I was so boring, she would not allow me to play outside. Shortly after, My Dad was being sent to Timor-Timur in those days leading to their independence. Yes, if you noticed, I had not living with my Dad for a long time. He was assigned somewhere far for his military service, and all I could do was smile. It was because I was only a kid. I did not understand anything.
In 1998, The May Riots in Jakarta, I was there. My mom was 8 months pregnant, so she stayed at home with me and my sister. I had not mentioned that my father was from military, so he was there in the area. I remember my mom was worried, she almost cried because my father was not there. All neighbours were gone because they were scared that civilian would attack military housing, you know, the probability was there... though you know...
I did not understand anything back there. I was just a 8 years old girl that jumping, playing, and reading a book in my room, being cranky with my mom because I was so boring, she would not allow me to play outside. Shortly after, My Dad was being sent to Timor-Timur in those days leading to their independence. Yes, if you noticed, I had not living with my Dad for a long time. He was assigned somewhere far for his military service, and all I could do was smile. It was because I was only a kid. I did not understand anything.
In my high school times, it went worse. My Dad was placed in Ambon in the moment religious conflict and RMS conflict happened. It was 2005 until 2009 if I was not mistaken. I saw my mother was going back and forth from Jakarta to Ambon, there was even times when mom was leaving three of us in home without nanny or any adult supervision. Mom believed us so much to arrange everything, even financially.
No, it was not pathetic. It was just happened that they raised us with different way and I was overjoyed with that, looking at myself now growing as resilient person getting through any obstacles in life.
This time, the conflict was really severe. I remembered that one time, I went visit my Dad. Once I arrived in the Airport, first time I saw was all armed forces guarded me with guns and escorted me to the car whereas guns placed both in front and back of the car. I remembered I was scared, not of my own safety, but about other people who did not have any privileged as mine. What would happen to them?
God was working in strange way, somehow the question was answered when I got back to Jakarta. I saw a bomb exploded. I still remembered the sound, I still knew that one bom killed children while playing football. I was angry, I was sad, I was crying in silence (I hated when I appeared weak in front of my father back there), I wanted to do something but I could not.
I yelled at my father, "Why he did not do anything to stop this?" He could only say: "There was things you had not understand, I could not control everything and made it stop just like that."
I was moved there for a year. Yes, I moved to Ambon for a year. I would tell the story another time. But, that time, I was so angry, I promised myself to make a change, to be someone who could bring a change.
No, it was not pathetic. It was just happened that they raised us with different way and I was overjoyed with that, looking at myself now growing as resilient person getting through any obstacles in life.
This time, the conflict was really severe. I remembered that one time, I went visit my Dad. Once I arrived in the Airport, first time I saw was all armed forces guarded me with guns and escorted me to the car whereas guns placed both in front and back of the car. I remembered I was scared, not of my own safety, but about other people who did not have any privileged as mine. What would happen to them?
God was working in strange way, somehow the question was answered when I got back to Jakarta. I saw a bomb exploded. I still remembered the sound, I still knew that one bom killed children while playing football. I was angry, I was sad, I was crying in silence (I hated when I appeared weak in front of my father back there), I wanted to do something but I could not.
I yelled at my father, "Why he did not do anything to stop this?" He could only say: "There was things you had not understand, I could not control everything and made it stop just like that."
I was moved there for a year. Yes, I moved to Ambon for a year. I would tell the story another time. But, that time, I was so angry, I promised myself to make a change, to be someone who could bring a change.
All those facts puzzled on my mind. I was raised in military values. I loved my family and they teach me good things. It grew doubts in my heart. Which was wrong, which was right? I did not know. I did not know the irony.
You know what, the irony was, I knew 12 years later, in University, all crime against humanity happened there, they were blaming military (I knew they were right, I knew, but some other time I was thinking, why, why, why why they turned it all into a joke? Why they would not blame the violence?). I knew, I realized all privileged I had, and it was not being given to me just like that, and it made the guilty feeling worse.
You know, I was carrying all guilts, I was putting all the blame on me, for standing in the wrong side, to have those privileged that others did not have...I was carrying those feeling even until now.
You know why? Because people around me, those who claimed themselves activist or so-called-ones would mocking armed forces and made a generalisation about that without even noticing that I came from the circle they talked about, I was so guilty...knowing I was in the wrong side of the history (accidentally).
You know what, the irony was, I knew 12 years later, in University, all crime against humanity happened there, they were blaming military (I knew they were right, I knew, but some other time I was thinking, why, why, why why they turned it all into a joke? Why they would not blame the violence?). I knew, I realized all privileged I had, and it was not being given to me just like that, and it made the guilty feeling worse.
You know, I was carrying all guilts, I was putting all the blame on me, for standing in the wrong side, to have those privileged that others did not have...I was carrying those feeling even until now.
You know why? Because people around me, those who claimed themselves activist or so-called-ones would mocking armed forces and made a generalisation about that without even noticing that I came from the circle they talked about, I was so guilty...knowing I was in the wrong side of the history (accidentally).
That was why I committed myself to bring change to people around me. Because I was condemned with this great guilt that haunted me, saying that I carried that sins for being a daughter of a military family. Eventhough, I knew that my Dad or Mom did not take any part of that, still, you could not bargain with guilty feeling, I suppose.
Basically, I spent my 26 years of living...doing things, writing, reading, everything...wanting to know anything about these conflicts, who's in the who's side, and I finally picked where I wanted to stand. I made my stand firmly like three years later, I was 23 back there: I stand with humanity and from that moment on, I did not care what people said about me or all privileged I had as a kid who grew up in military family.
Now, I could tell to myself: "It was not about where you came from, it was about who you wanted to be." I made peace with myself first, then I started to do something to make this world a little better. Not a big things, I promised myself always start it with little things.
That was why I always did something with compassion and empathy, I wanted to prove them that someone who raised with military values could do peace work. Though I was hard to face, I knew, I was brought up under a strict disipline, but I always tried to give my best, at my maximum level, sacrificing myself to see the good for the people. Those who knew me long, exactly understand how I think and act towards these kind of things.
Basically, I spent my 26 years of living...doing things, writing, reading, everything...wanting to know anything about these conflicts, who's in the who's side, and I finally picked where I wanted to stand. I made my stand firmly like three years later, I was 23 back there: I stand with humanity and from that moment on, I did not care what people said about me or all privileged I had as a kid who grew up in military family.
Now, I could tell to myself: "It was not about where you came from, it was about who you wanted to be." I made peace with myself first, then I started to do something to make this world a little better. Not a big things, I promised myself always start it with little things.
God was working on me, still. He answered my question about the gap between the military and all activists. When my class was cancelled, we joined the Human Security class as they had guest speaker, a military general from Philippines armed forces. He talked about the clash between HR activists and military that happened all over the world and been through ages. I was almost crying listening to his lecture. It was more like revelation. Something that I was hoping happened in my country: a military that would talk about world peace without a fear of being weak. Peace was anything but weak.
Of all things he said, the one I remember was: "We, all, military and civilian people, should work together for peace. I told my soldiers to smile to the people, I bargained the stakeholders to change their perspective, I negotiated with other generals to improve military school materials. All could happen if we stop to suspect each other, and bridging all the gap instead." That time, I found peace for myself, for all the guilts I had been carried, all these time. I said to God in my heart, "Terjadilah padaku, sesuai kehendakmu saja. I would do anything you wanted me to do. Really. Just make me your channel of peace. Just make me worthy of other people's lives."
Now I know: all you need is just simply one dialogue. To understand, not to accuse. To bridge, not to ditch. To love, not to shove.
Now I know: all you need is just simply one dialogue. To understand, not to accuse. To bridge, not to ditch. To love, not to shove.
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The blessing was not stopped there. In the last day of the class, we shared our impressions to each other through that one rough week. I would share you what was mine. I wanted to share with you, so you could feel the warmth if we spread love around, and it could simply done through words. There you go:
"Gurlll!! You are a true friend and I am so, so, so , so, so glad we met!! Your genuine genious, joy, caring, hillarious spirit is such a treasure to this world and to me!! Please keep in touch and I will come visit you in Japan...NO! Java! Haha!
Love you lots,
Innah"
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"Hi Petsy,
Keep smiling. Connect to others with smile then make the world smiling!
Ate Dolly"
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"Thank you for sharing your gift to the BT Class. Best wishes in your work for PEACE. God bless you always.
James"
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"Hi Petsy!
I hope you had a wonderful time here in the Philippines. We didn't get to spend a lot of time together, but I guess it means that we'll see each other again and get to know each other more. All the best!
xoxo,
Alicia"
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"Hi Petsy!
Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experiences to us, and for making the groups alive because of your laughter...hehehehehe...send my regards to Indonesia!
Mel :)"
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"Petsy,
Always wear that best outfit everyday, your 'smile'. God bless you and guide you in your peacebuilding journey."
Love,
Gigi"
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"Hi Petsy,
The 2 weeks we have been together in the same classes had give me a lot of things to learn from you. I know you are so full of energy and wisdom. Thank you for everything!
Peace,
Chris"
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"Petsy,
Thank you for being natural all the time. Your true self is so relaxing to be around. I am very happy to have a friend in Indonesia and would love to meet and visit you! Keep in touch!
Love,
Moeko"
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"Petsy,
I have known you only for a short time, but it seems that I have known you for a long time because of your good personality. Wish you all the best.
PB 104"
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"Petsy,
You are a good friend
You are a good singer
You are a good teacher
You are a good listener
Peace,
Nangialay Hamraz"
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"OH PETSY IS THAT YOU?"
"Dear Petsy,
I have confession to make. I was calling you 'Pesty' and only this week I learnt to say it right. You are such a fun-loving person with grace and lovely personality. May the peace which unites us all be with you wherever you go. May God guide you through your academic careed. Let's remain connected. You are an inspiration and you have helped in some moments when I as feeling a bit low. Thank you for that. God bless you.
Love and prayers,
Phebe Angus A."
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"Petsy,
This 3-weeks with MPI will definitely be different without you. Thank you for the companionship and friendship we've shared. Wishing you blessings in life. Hope you'll find the 'chosen one' for you. Please keep in touch. Stay blessed!
Best regards,
Homer Balmes"
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To end this writing, I would say one thing, to you all who read this: "Remember, you are loved. No matter how hard your life is, no matter how angry you are with someone, no matter how much you want to make it even - the revenge, please do not. I do not know what struggles your heart has, but just know that I love you, someone loves you, even when they do it in silence. You are so loved, I would hug you if I could. Hope this message could make you smile and brighten your day."
Ps. I pursposively did not change my name to Jessy and let them called me Petsy, because I love the name Petsy. Before, I disliked that name. Then again, things changed, it happened when one Professor that I admired the most called me 'Petsy' and he told me that he remembered my name because it was his Professor's name in Leiden University...and he smiled at me, telling me that I could be like that Professor he admired. Petsy and Leiden sounds matched, he said. Aftersince, I let people called me with that name. Petsy..."
With love,
Jessy Ismoyo
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