Dream big, plan bigger, and do biggest.

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Let me tell you a story, hope it could inspire you to dream big, plan bigger, and do biggest. So, I was born in the army family, both my dad and mom are in the army. Yes, the kind of army that using gun or whatever you called. Since I am the first daughter, they really treated me very strict and they teach me to be disipline as I could be. They forced me to be able to read and write when I was 3,5 years old, if I'm not mistaken, I wrote my first letter to my grandma who's living in Bogor from Makassar. Dad always hitted me with a ruler everytime I was trying to watch tv or to walk off him to my nanny.

It continues when I moved off to Jakarta when I was around four years old, my parents already signed me in to Catholic school in Depok, and they want me to go direct to elementary school without go to kindergarten first, because my ability to learn, to talk, to write, and to read are in the same level with elementary students. All the payment has been paid, I already got my uniform, and I really can't wait for the school day back there. But, unexpectedly the school informed us that me can't go to elementary school because my age. I was too young to go to elementary school. My mom tried so hard to convince the principal that I have a strong ability to learn, which is the same with any students aged six, it was end not well - we just got half of the money back and hey, there's always any good thing in the bad thing right? I can keep the uniform :) So, there was me - failed to go to catholic school, and got a school near home - a kindergarten one.

After finished my kindergarten with excellence notes, I took the second place of class ranking. I went to public school in East Jakarta which I spent almost my two years before moved to christian school due to my father's job that obliges the family to move, move, and move (every army's family know the feeling about having more than one school). My parents want me to be an outstanding student in class and I did it every semester. In my first school, I always got the first/second ranking in my class, and in my second school, when I was in 4th grade - I got the nomination of the outstanding student. My academic record has been fine until I moved again to my third elementary school - back to catholic school when I was in 5th grade. Catholic school was like the hardest part of my life, it's will always be -  back to that time and later when I was in high school. But, the school that I went in when I was in elementary school is so much better than the one I went to when I was in high school. Because I used to be a smart ass before, it was hard when you surrounding yourself with people who's smarter than you - really, it's hard for a girl aged 10 years old and just striked her first period. Gee, it's like - a whole universe conspired to kill you right at the time. Plus, there's a boy who can't stop himself teasing you until you cried home and your dad's angry and go to school - pointing his fingers to that boy (you can see how much my dad loves me). I learned my lesson, there's always the smarter among the smart, the more beutiful among the beutiful, the more sociable among the sociable, and I learned that early that there's no such thing like the word 'most' itself.

Eventhough I can't be the smartest person I can be, I always can't stop myself to buy books, to read books, to learn about social - that's why I become my favorite student of my social teacher. I was that good in geography and history, really. I don't know why, at the same time, I'm that stupid in math and pshysic, it continues later, but you will be confused - why I went to science class when in 2nd grade of hi-school. Rewinding the story, my reading habit started when I was three years old. My nanny used to read me the story about dolphins, then my dad used to buy me all the books about princess when I was in kindergarten - not the expensive one because, to be honest we can't afford it enough. My dad and mon raised me not in the finest lifestyle, so it's not a problem at all for me not to live in the wealthy wealthy social living. The reading habit striked me again when I was eight years old, I always borrowed my neighbour's books - Enid Blyton - yes 'LIMA SEKAWAN". I did it secretly because my family don't like if their kid borrow something from someone. But, eventually, they figured it out, and my dad always take me to the book store, allow me to take every book I want to read ever since. And that habit stays with me until now. I'd rather go to book store, ask to have the most expensive book, than to go to shopping center - to buy clothes, shoes, or whatever.

Here we go to the times that I was being the ordinary person like everyone else. Without any achievements in academic field, not being a geeky geek. Just living my life with friends, hanging out, yes the junior high school. I passed my three years, had fun, enough laughing, breaking all the school rules, but still I ran on basket ball court and got 1st place winner in basket competition that gave me special pathway to get to the best hi-school in Bogor but dad and mom refused it so I went to catholic high school where all the people act really different with my junior hi school friends. What's I highlighted here is you have to try things, I try basket ball and fall in love with it. I mean it's like don't you limit yourself. I believe people always good in something, but I believe more and more that people could be good in everything. About the new school, it's not about they're kind of freak or maybe I who's the one that freaked them out. It's really different, really. The social life, how they talk each other, how they dressed up themselves which I found really...weird, and how they spend their life just in that circle without getting out from their comfort zone, and how their parents already set them in to be someone that can be proud of...oh life - and there's me, anak kampung, anak bandel, kerjaannya melanggar peraturan sekolah which is I found really silly - they limit their student creative.

What I point in here that every student in that age has the tendention to be rebel, to be attention seeker, and they punish, punish, punish, to educate them. Me, personally, seeing all that kind of stuff now, is pitying them. How they educate their student. But I pity the student too yang terlalu manja, thinking that they can have anything they want from their parent's wallet. That kind of living, oh God. AND I TRAPPED THERE! THAT KIND OF HEDONISM. I pity myself, really. Wasting my time and money to be in there. But, once again, I always said, there's always a good in something. This time, the good things are I can surrounding myself with great people, great family background, great social living, and I always try to make them to look down, to look outside the box, remembering that outside that wall there could be people who work their ass off just to earn money for their family when they might kill theirselves when their parents not give what they want. Oh life. Really, life's been taught me many things.

Happened again, I moved to Ambon to accompany my dad there. I spent six months there. I went to public high school. Semakin kesini, sudah menjadi kebiasaan untuk beradaptasi di tempat yang benar-benar berbeda. Namun kali ini, sangat berbeda. People look at you like you're an alien. And it's really annoying. But what else you can do? People starring at you and whispering behind your back. Sigh. Ce moment-là. You just can't do nothing but keep it quiet and smile to your dad, pretending everything is allright. I passed that stage of my life though. I survived. Darwin must be proud of me.

This time, life taught me to dream. I know from junior hi-school. I always wanted to be one of yellow jacket students. Yes, I really that wanting to be one of lawschool student. But, I had to go to science class to make my parents happy. I studied really hard in the end of my senior high school, bimbel here, bimbel there, in my head - it's just one thing: I want UI, I want lawschool, I want the best, I gonna give my best. I dream it, so be it. Every dreamer has plan. We plan in details, so do I. I think every opportunity. I set my goal from the highest to the lowest I could achieve. I always think about my parent, saya tidak akan pernah ingin mereka membayar mahal untuk pendidikan - karena saya sudah merasa berdosa menghabiskan uang mereka untuk sesuatu yang tidak penting sepanjang kehidupan saya. I really regret it now. That's why saya tidak akan pernah ingin pergi ke tempat kuliah seperti yang teman saya pergi, universitas swasta ternama yang luar biasa. Itu mengapa saya memilih universitas negeri. Every hard work will be paid off in its timing. I always believe that. You will always get your dream. It happened to me. I studied almost everyday, I didn't hang out with my friends, I told my mom to keep my phone away from me for almost six months. And it's always a happy ending. I got perfect score on my national exam. I got 10/10 on my chemical test, 9,85/10 on my biology test. Things I can be prod of :) I believe every of you has things like this too, not only in academic field, it could be everywhere, even it's just like you passed the test you failed three times before. It's an awesome achievement - thinking on how people could easily give up. You do better than them and you should give your self a big appreciation for that. People just know the success, friends know the hard times, and you LEARN THE PROCESS! It is the most important of all...the process. Quoting the winner of EM scholarship: "learning is indeed a never ending process." - Please, generasi muda, jangan berhenti belajar. Belajar apa aja.

I failed to go to the lawschool, I learn about litterature instead. I went to Humanities Faculty. I love litteratures and I'm not regret it :) But, yes curiosity killed a cat but it ain't stop me from trying. 2010, I tried again to get FHUI and I got accepted. But, thinking here and there, I think I would be better if I continue my study in French Department - sayang uang juga, ayah ibu bayar mahal-mahal, mendingan buat S2 nanti uangnya. Jadi, mungkin impian sekolah hukum belum jalannya :) I chose my path. I decided my life. Really, I'm not that smart. I just try harder because I know that I'm not that smart. I read books that everyone else not reading it, I googling every information I need to know. I have to know every details that happened. Really, I'm not that smart. I'm the best proscratinator, the best couch head, and the best light sleeper. Sama aja. But sometimes, it's more like an hobby to make myself underpressured. That's why.

It happened again when I was in university, in my last year, think about to take skripsi/nonskripsi. I believe that I can do it, on other side all the conditions told me to do the contrary. The research subject is impossible to do, the arguments among the professors, my research-supervisor said she's not that good on philosophy (not to tell it's a disadvantage, no, no, it's rather a advantage than disadvantage, she always pushed me to do better, better, and better next time. How thankful I am to work with her) and my french capability to translate philosophy books. I doubt myself, really. And the hardest part is, when people look at you, and they said easily like "Lo sih pasti bisa" - it could motivating and demotivating at the same time. They don't know how hard it was, but they convince you that your capability could go way further than you ever imagine. In my case, it was demotivating somehow. You can't imagine how hard it was - let me give you a picture on how hard it was - among 90 students, only 60 that graduated. Among that 60 students, only four students that took skripsi, and me is one of them. The only three was the most most outstanding person I know so far. And me? Nilai pas-pas an, IPK pas-pas an, sebenarnya modal nekad dan sayang papa harus lulus skripsi aja yang membunuh semua kemalasan. Skripsi itu perjuangan luar biasa dan nangis darah memang. Belum nangis itu belum skripsi namanya, ada waktunya ketika memang lo akan merasa super tolol, super bego. But like I said before, hard works will be paid in its timing. I got a good note on my bachelor's thesis. I THANK GOD FOR THAT! REALLY! THANK GOD! Good story, isn't it?

Now? I dream again, another dream to catch, and I'm about to give up - telling 'let the world conspire to help me' when deep down in my heart, I know my lungs cried out telling me not to give up. I failed here, here, there, I tried again but I failed. I always failed lately. Failure's aspects that stoppping you from chasing your dreams. Yes, I'm in that corner like right now. 

But...

Who says you can't dream big?

You just have to plan bigger,

and do biggest.

Good dreams required good achievements.

Make sure you have enough good achievements to have your dreams.

Try.

(I try to convicing myself also here, easy you're not alone. Every good story always have its shadows, and I have it right now - it's the main reason why I write this)

Well, it's like the way I tell myself not to give up.

Important to say how grateful I am on the way they teached me, me now is because what they wish me to be and tried hard to educate me since I was a kid. And I will try the best, I will give the best I could be to make them proud of me, someday, saying "she's my little girl, changing the world." :)

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Sorry for the grammar mistakes, I know there are many many many many of it. Maklum ya. Hope it could help you guys to get through all the bad times. Just don't give up, kay?