Travelogue: The Rubberneck in Her Working Trip

The view from my room in Huamark

Bus Station at Phayathai

Another view from bus station at Phayathai

Somewhere along the way, still near bus station at Phayathai

Heavenly view at Phra Nakhon

Old man is selling flower in Pattaya Walking Street

For me, March is the busiest month in 2017 so far. Busiest yet happiest. I feel highly favoured in God's blessings when I traced back what a miracle God brings to me for just being here, today.

Last week, I got the chance to travel from city to city, and luckily from one country to another country. In this occassion, I visited Bangkok and Pattaya. In this post, I would not going to tell about the trip and such details. I decided to share with you all the contemplation I got along the trip.

Lately, people were being so mean to me. They would call it the balance of life: every good things were in pair with the bad ones, so you could think it off. I didn't understand why, but I believe that it would lead my way to something... Life offered me with many lesson-learned, I counted these part as one of it. So, I wrote it down.

In every trip, there was one ritual for me to do little contemplation. That was the reason I loved being on a trip. It made me out of my routine; believing that there was something to chase out there, that big enough to frighten me, to fear me, to make me learn new things. In my working trip this time, I was being that open, to be a rubberneck, to take responsibilities that was not belong to me, to be someone who can be relied upon (the most important part of the lesson), and to let my mind be flown alone in sky, side by side with the clouds.

"There's a reason why you feel the way you do, either you're afraid, stuck, or where you think you are supposed to be for now. Take time to give thought and love yourself despite your predicament. One day, someone will ask you how you got to this point and I want you to be able to tell them that nothing will ever be as rewarding and difficult as the day you find out you have a choice in how your journey goes and when it begins. We create our own finish lines, and for some, they chose not to cross it because they begin to explore the rest of the course and figure out that your greatest memories and moments are made by unknown. It takes patience, and if you don't have any, learn from those around you who stayed with you throughout your highs and lows, anyone can do the happy medium with you, but as we all know, life can be anything but that. Being alive demands your full attention, and if you aren't willing to give yourself that, nobody else is going to try differently for you." — Zachry K. Douglas

From Yogyakarta to Kuala Lumpur, from Kuala Lumpur to Bangkok, window seat was always be my favorite in airplane trip. I always asked to be placed in seat A or D. I always remember one saying in a movie that sounded more or less like this, "You know why I always seat near to the window? I always listen to Erykah Badu's Window Seat while seeing silver lining. It gives me hope by just seeing that, you know." And there where I stuck, I set my seat preference on my every trip high: window seat only. I was sitting there and my mind was floating around to the places and thoughts I couldn't even handle. Rudyard Kipling once said: "The Wind that blows between the worlds, it cut him like a knife, and Tomlinson took up his tale of his good in life." I asked myself the simplest question: "Are you happy with your life?". That question took me far way more than I've thought. Really.

"I am happy," I said it to myself. Am I? Then why did I hurt easily by just accidentally overhearing people talking bad things about me? Why couldn't I stop the 'Feel-It-All' mode on my consciousness?

The flight was playing Rumahsakit - The Journey Starts Tonight, then I was paying attention to the lyrics: "Like a hurricane, like the summer rain, like lightning in the sky, your unexpected shine. 'Cause you're so bright, and now I'm blinded by the magic in your smile. Now I can't live without it. What should I do about it? I need a fix to help me make it through the night. I want you here beside me. I know you feel how I feel. Come take my hand and let the journey start tonight..." Rudyard Kipling's quote, the seat, and the song were really a killer. As Kipling said, not everyone understood, not everyone felt everything, not everyone had deep consciousness about little things.

And to those people who were in the same path as me, even the wind that blows between the worlds, it could cut us...maybe not like a knife, it was more like...papercut. Just like Tomlinson, who started wildfire in his eyes, I chose to stand tall and speaking only good things in life. Life was pretty much simple, it was what people talking about that made it difficult to bear.

In my 26 years of living, I still couldn't understand why people could be bad. Why did people despise other people? Why did they throw a lot of negativity? Why would people talk about other people behind their back? Why did the most loveable people would hurt us unconsiously? Why did they lie? Why did power and wealth matter most to them? Why did they be bad example for kids? Why couldn't they be wiser? Weren't adult supposed to be wiser than kids?

I knew they might be wrong at one or two choices in their life, but why didn't they try to make it up all the wrongdoings, and replacing it all by all the goods? Adulthood was really confusing me. I had to act and be according to unseen rules, to impress unknown people, to reach goals that I didn't even love, and everyone was acting like they have no choice over their life, like it was destined to them, like they had no freedom. I was, I am, and I will be still wondering why until I type these words down.

But, in that moment, I saw those clouds, I forced myself to see silver lining. I decided to focus to my dreams and goals. Because I knew that I couldn't control what people had done to me. But, among all things, I had full responsibility of my reactions towards that thing (as I recall, I would say that most of those things were pretty peeve).

Starting from that point, I told myself to focus on doing the best I could, instead of complaining. As I set my focus on making my voice heard, not only my voice, but voice of all voiceless people I knew, I tried to highlight that goal, and only to that goal. I decided to wait for everything good to happen. I decided to count every tragedy in my life, therefore I came to one conclusion on how much Universe helped me through fires, and I could finally find the strength within me to keep walking in faith.

I decided to be someone who had capacity to make this world a little better. I wanted to see myself as kind of person that people would find grace everytime they looked at me, I wanted to be one of the people whom they could see that miracle, that confidence throughout my spoken words and real actions. What for? So, they would be able doing much more than me...so, they could affect this Universe with their greater capability.

That's why I wanted to be a teacher: not only to raise people's awareness to something, also to build one's consciousness over things in life, things that they might not understand...yet. I wanted they to know that they had all the choices in this life to be whatever they want to be, to grow empathy, and to be rooted to nothing but love.

I started it by being Sunday School teacher and enjoying it much, then I lead youth empowerment in my church (it wasn't easy, it's never been easy, but I made it...in the end), now Universe offers me to the higher responsibility: being a lecturer, which I was plagued by my self-doubt, all the time, whether I could do it or not.

On the other side of all achievement I made, I had this fear: I always thought that I teach only to satisfy my ego. I had this great great fear inside of me, and it was growing uncontrollably. I was afraid that I wasn't good enough, that I might teach the students wrong things (because I saw few of bad examples here and there — how did they consciously teach kids to the things they even didn't understand). This fears had rooted in me, then it became my deepest nightmare. I was haunted by just thinking of it.

I prayed every night to the Universe, hoping that I wouldn't be such prick and still be able to contribute much more to my surroundings. Because it was torturing me everytime I had such good feeling when I delivered knowledge to my students, it made me afraid that I was doing it only to myself. Not for others.

There was one time, I couldn't get to sleep just because I was too afraid, that I was being this egoistical creature that ended up chasing its own tail, then I was just sitting there in my bed, reading books, articles, or whatever to ease my despair and fear...until I fell asleep. Some other time, I would say 'whatever' and blamed people for they didn't get what I meant...but, the fear and guilty feeling came in twice...afterwards. It was horrible.

It was not a good night. It would never be.

"I was happy, I am happy, and I will be happy even in my most sorrowful state of feeling," I said to myself as I didn't realize that my eyes burst into happy tears. I forgot that those who was living their life to the fullest would have some sadness in their eyes. In those sadness eyes of those people, I would identify great amount of sorrow. The type of sorrow that would hold hope.

Those kind of people had story to tell other people. They had much love to share. They had beautiful soul to be found like a rare pearl, and, most of all, they had knowledge and experience to explore on their journey.

And those kind of people would search others who vibrates in same frequency to them. I just knew from how they looked things out, how they spoke, how they thought, what music did they listen, what books did they read, what things did they love do the most. It would tell us everything that lead us to sincere heart.

By that time, I knew I was happy because I was surrounded myself around with the strongest, reckless, and who would  be there for me in every grief, fear, loss, and everything, no matter damage I had carried, no matter how the past had changed me, no matter how low I could get... they would lift me up...eventually.

This trip has brought me here, to the point, where I reflected myself when I saw those kids strolling around. I reached the point where I was nothing but a set of Universe's dusts collided with love...and from that point, I decided only to tell the beauty in life, to take picture that made us grateful with our breath, to only speak goodness and to give only the best out of myself, in every choice I would make, in every turn I would take.

I promise myself that I would be that free creature and have never ending faith in everything good. So I would swallow all the bitter things up: jealousy, envy, anxiety, more anxiety, deep depression, hate, and turn it into...sarcasm (laughing), and joking.

After all, one thing I could do was hoping that I could be the light. Let it all alone be light and only light.  Let me have all the courage I need to always try my best.

In the midst of the sweetness, what's life anyway without any spice and salt? Right?

With love,

Jessy Ismoyo