Love Praxis: Another Birthday Celebration

JAKARTA — I was flying back home from Semarang to Jakarta that day to be with this guy in his late birthday when glimpse of weird feeling stroked me gently. It was kind of usual weekend. I went from Semarang around noon in Saturday. Nothing was much to tell. Nothing much but made-up-truths that whirled on my mind.

In between my flight, I was thinking “Would it be worth it? All these flight-back-home-scenarios?”. What was I thinking? Sure it would be worth it. I miss the guy like a lot. Sure it would be worth it. Really? Truth was, I’d never be sure whether that was worth the efforts or not. For me, love was something different, it would never be enough room to love, love was...more like the key that you had put in the right door. But this guy, somehow, proved me wrong.

This time, I was the one who learnt so much without him knowing that fact. I was the one who realized that I was being too coward all this time. It was his birthday, but I was the one who got the best present. You know. Sort of that.

I knew I was being that pain in the ass kind of girl. I was too afraid to show what was happening inside me. I was too foolish, too afraid, too shy to tell what I want and how I want it to be. All because I was standing too long between the shadows, that made me afraid of rejection. Maybe it was clearly explaining why I would not want to be seen as the one who was putting more sacrifice in the relationship. It was easier, you know, let people know that you were not in love with them too deep. Despite the fact, I did the opposite, I cared way too much and showed it too little. It was hurting the both part.

The other part, I declined my previous argumentation. The other me was told myself that I already gave my best to show it all. I already did it. Did I? I showed it enough, everything went on my mind until I got tired, then I fell asleep.

Funny you know, that kind of realization came when it supposed to be the happiest day in my life-line. But that was that, I came to the conclusion that it must stop. I was wrong. I had not given everything, I could still find a room when there should be no room left there. I could dig out some more, I could do so much more. Yet I was not fully assured that it would be worth it or not, I decided to meet him the day after, there was a lot going on that day. We both were tired that day, and it was the decision we both could think.

It was Sunday, so we met. He went through the door, with the smile, the tired face, and a warm hug that he offered me as usual. I was there, looking at him, I couldn’t say anything, I was freezed myself, I only let my eyes caught his. When the eyes met, we knew exactly the feeling was mutual.

We spent the day together and we ended up where it all started. It was the same place like last year and the feelings also remained the same. I was staring at him, looking at his face, I could still spot the sadness there, the sadness that I adore, that kind of pain that made him understand how to love well, how to live fully, and how to care deeply. From him, I learned all that.

It was more than worth it. I can't stop looking at him and smiling. Nothing much to say, nothing much to tell, nothing much to show, it was all there just to be felt. It was regular day we used to spend on, but somehow I was happy as I could be. I said once again, it was his birthday but I felt like I was the one who received the present. Being with him.

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Later on, I bumped into some reading on the internet. I tried to put the dots between those articles and my recent thoughts about love.  I finally understood that the idea of love was based on a construction that triumph lastly. As I borrowed the complete idea from Alain Badiou, love was a life that made combined from the perspective of two. Radical separation that happened between me and the lover was not meant to separate us. It was meant to flourish us, to make us capable of getting to know the world better without each other in sight, but certainly with each other in faith. The concept was to believe in something that placed a far from you, to have the assurance of things you’re most afraid of.

This year was not as easy as the last one. I must admit. Love was real, but the idealization about love could become an ecstasy sometimes. I was trapped in that concept, the enigma in thinking about love, distorded with possession. I wanted him, only him to me, not to anyone else. The idea was evil that possessed your being. One truth that I forgot, love was in there, not only in the pleasure given. It is also in the tenacity to grow the best in ourselves. Badiou made me understand that love was forced me to reinvent my perspective. Love was about risk and adventure, to challenge the comfort and safety, and to finally bind all up not as one sight but more.

As I ask to myself every night, don’t you think we have to keep growing in order to heal ourselves from our previous pains? And only truth can heal a wounded heart, as I believe every truth go side by side with love. We’ve gone through a lot of truths, hopefully we could grow the love as well. To be the part of the construction, to witness again the happiness in another birthday, things happened this year might be hard and banal or whatever, but I believe it is the part of the construction. We only need to praise, praise, and praise.

With love,

Jessy Ismoyo