Counting Blessings

Lately, God put me in such difficult situation. Nothing I did but complaining. I shrunk my perspective on seeing God's way to shape me to be better version of myself. Problems I face made me cut myself from my circumstance and it just went worse and worse. I lost my path in the journey of which not good.

Let's say that I always aim high for everything. I always have plans from a to z for every possibility because I know I can't bear the feeling of having a failure. I lean back only to myself, not to God. It causes resentment, and I lost my direction. I knew what I wanted but I lost my faith. I told others not to lose it, but I flunk to apply those words to myself. I tried and failed, and I'm in the state of stop trying. But, something happened this week. I opened my heart and shared my stories to my loved ones and what they said, was beyond my expectation. It moved my heart.

All I can do is writing about it because I believe that you need to start somewhere you're capable of doing. In my case, it's writing. I wish it could work. They said, writing is the best therapy. Isn't it?

I always want to be a person that inspires other people. I train myself to be one of them who have a very good story to tell. Not only story, but the real action to narrate through life. So far, I was doing it right until the time that I forgot and I was doing it for a false intention. In consequence, I started to compare what I gave and what I received. I was so mad with people because they did bad all the time. I was dissapointed on how people hurt other people. I was questioning why they did that? When I filled my head with those statements, the world stopped inspiring me. I had no more faith even to myself. I ran out of fuel because of the distance I made with God.

Then, something hit me. I told this issues to one particular person and this man said that I supposed to do those things to God, not for human. He said that I was doing it wrong. I hate to be wrong, but he's right. It reminded me to this verse and I was starstrucked by this coincidence. Life always has its own way to warn me.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters. (Colossians 3:23)

What I suffer, was not stopping at those things. My intention to be perfect led me to another dissapointment. I spoke those things not as a bad thing. Otherwise, dissapointment may point you to the better sight. I had this goal when I first signed up my Master: to finish this degree with a cum laude. I passed three semesters with a very good grades, I could graduate with a cum laude.

But I failed. I can't do that. I was trying to see the brightside. Maybe, I'm not that smart as people always told me. They need to see my flaw. This is my flaw. I'm not always be perfect in academic terms. Eventhough, I really want to cry knowing that I didn't give my best. The conclusion of not giving my all and facing the truth that I made my Dad dissapointed, kill me.

It's all because of one thing. One serious thing; I went through massive hearbroken. It occurs double at one time. Not good at all and I will not mention it here. A drama that shall not distract me, but it was. You may call me such a bun, I was back there, and I still am now (a bit). It took years to finally let it go.

I pushed myself afterwards. I took all the wisdoms from there though it's still difficult to accept the fact that I failed my goal I made to myself. I feel so lost. It's like betraying yourself from your promises of which weighing me way deeper than others could imagine.

At the same time, I have to deal with those same issues when I am infatuated with this man. The attention he flooded to me, was too much I can't handle. It made me scared to hell. It's kind of frustrating me because I want it to stop but I can't. Maybe, I was exageratting. I don't know. But this thing was never been easy for me. I was struggling between two choices; either having him around and see the choice life may offe,  or stay the same - safe with myself. I put my life at the risk by letting him in anyway. For what it's worth, I think it could be a new start. Life is always funny to those who believe in coincidence.

Then, I made up my mind. I can't keep this from my best friend. I told all of these things to her through email and I received this a few hours ago:

"I hope the message from the Pastor and the discussion will also be a bless for you like it has blessed me :) 

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is possible, but with God all things are possible. (Matthew 19:26)

These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warning for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come. (1 Corinthians 10:11)

How do I become a part of what is possible for God? By trusting Him and listening is the key of trust with God. Listen to His word. 

In order for trust to be trust, it must look like something.2 Kings 2:18-19

Trust God and surrender. 
What is going on in your life now feels like "trust"? Like God saying, "Trust me"?
(Oh, can't you see that there's nothing that He can't do? He prepares me with all of this new knowledge, and now I can share it with you. It's just amazing to see how the way He plans things) Jesus never planned to forsake His child, but indeed He wants us to realise that He is the one, the Almighty. He gives us challanges to see how strong our faith to Him even if it is in the worst situation. He loves us just so much that He wants us to be saved. 
All the challanges are reminder to us that we can't live without Him. In order to live with Him, we need to listen to His words, have faith in it and doing it in our daily life. 
People tend to think too much about themselves, what to do, what should I do, what am I going to do in the future, etc-including me, too-- instead of asking God what He wants us to do actually. What He wants us to be in this world.
He loves you and He knows that you love Him, too. He wants to know, how strong the love can be even if He puts you in some uneasy circumstances like what you've felt for the last few weeks. 
Ask Him to let you to hear His voice.I know it won't be easy--been there, done that, lost the connection with Him for years-- but losing Him is the worst part in my life, and I don't want you to feel the way I did back then... Please don't stop seeking for Him in every single situation, pray hard even it's the hardest time to pray. He hears our prayer, everytime.
You are a good leader! It's the time for you to learn new things about leadership, to realise that people will let you down, and what you have to do about it. How will you react to this kind of situation will be the best part of yout leadership journey. To be a leader is not easy, and you've done so much, I can tell! Trust me.Be patient. Your reaction towards this situation will impact for the whole thing. It's a new stage of your leadership life.
I wish I could hug you, too!"

I cried. I was shouting to myself: "See, Jes! You're surrounded by good people. Don't you ever lose that faith." I cried so hard when I read this email. I feel so blessed. I couldn't thank God enough for giving me such great companions. I need to stop whinning; and start doing more good things. You know what I was doing after that? I was praying to God. I asked him to forgive me and please do restore all my willpower. I want to be alive now and forever. I want to fight over something and someone. I would love to suffer in order to gain new experience. And God is giving me this hard time. I just forgot that thing and God always found the way to remind me.

For whom the Lord loves He chastens, and scourges every son whom He receives. (Hebrews 12:6)

You know what? I woke up today, feeling so happy. I rewinded this particular moment when I went to RPC alone. I just realized that I wasn't alone at all. There's so much love to share and I surrounded myself with great people. These kids made me happy beyond my expectation. These smiles cover all the sadness I keep. It's okay. My best friend was right. I am not failing. It's just a test. What will I do to get through the temptation that counts most.

I was looking at those photos and smiling. God is good. All the time. I need a day to think about my problems and it has nothing to do with my fear. I shall fear nothing, because I have God and the best support system that suits me just well.

What moved my heart, I mean, thing that really slapped my other self is this photo. I'd never thought that I'd be looking that happy even if I keep all my fear and regret inside. I shall keep that happy face. People shall see that face of mine. I believe that one smile could change all the circumstance.

I've got back my motivation. I'm fine. I'll be just fine as long as I rely my understanding to God. Enough for my story, I need to end this somehwere. So I'd ending it with a wishes: I wish you could always feel God's blessings around you.

Ps. I write this posting to Ivana Tiar. Thank you. Thank you for being there. Always. It's such a blessing to have a good friend like you.