What 2014 has done to me?

Sometimes I wonder how great are thy works. Everything was just in its time, every happiness, every sorrow, every question, every answer, everything.

I had a rough year, I must confess. Everything was not easy in 2014. People come and go, unintended feelings, star-crossed lover, failure, self-doubt, less confidence, low-self-worth.

I wish time could roll fast. I was staying in the bell jar. I was doing nothing - literally nothing, I was seeking self-appreciation, I was in love with someone who did not love me back - loving him wholeheartedly year after year then I was beaten down to the deep well, I was doing things I hate doing the most. I was being that pretentious person I promised myself not to be. I lost my direction.

This was my second worst year I recognized after 2005. I was running myself far away from the people I know. I hide my feelings, my true feelings, I always showed people things they want to see from me, and I got tired. Thus, I got myself busy, really busy, for the past three years, and it reached its peak in 2014.

I fell. I ran. I cried. I traveled. I went to many places alone. I made a gap with myself, with others, with things I used to love. I need to let things go which was hard. I never said it to anyone. I kept it to myself because everytime I told people - I know I couldn't stop and I'd be that annoying girl. So I kept quiet.

They only knew that I had fun with my life, of which true, but not entirely true. I feel blessed with my life, but I feel sad in the same time. Maybe, it's kind of blessing in burden actually.

Then, someone came up with a question 'Did I go from God?' I was doubted Him, yes, once, but the feeling of going from him? Never. Never crossed on my mind.

One moment, I was praying to Him: 'Don't let this temptation go away, give me more and more hard times, just let me know that You would never leave me and give me more strength to face these things'.

Then, things went better. I found my will again, not much, but at least I found the steps. I read a lot of books. I met new people. I challenged myself even not that hard. I pushed my temper down. I stayed at home a little bit longer. The best part is, I am in love again. Never thought it'd be this good. Moreover, I choose people who's worth the time. Yes, those who stays.

In the end of the year, everything is getting better for God's sake.

God shows me how loved I am, how blessed I am to have such family, friends, and lover. They stay. I can't stop thinking how blessed I am.

Eventhough, I haven't finished something (Graduate Thesis) that need to be finished, I still thank God for it. This shall be a lesson learned, I need finish what I started. I already walked too slow and I need to speed it up a bit.

I know I may not lead a big life, but this is ok. I enjoy mine.

Thank you 2104, it has been a beautiful fight.

It still is.